Yesterday while I was sitting alone in my room,trying to gain the 'spirit of study' as there are still two more papers to go,something popped out from my mind.
It's actually some kind of self reflection.Why out of sudden,I've changed?I've changed in terms of my social life,attitude etc.(too many things to list it down here).WHY??
I am the one who choosed my way.This way.It's nobody faults and neither my faults.It is kindda collision of two interests i could say.And these two interests couldn't be at the same time.One should prevail.
Still blurr eh?Ok,I could say my changes happening when I'm keep on thinking about my future.I realized that I was a 'shy',unprofessional,and even can't behave exactly the way I should in certain occasions.Why?It was all started when I was in my secondary school.Alhamdulillah I've been exposed to the 'islamic environment' since there.And I love it very much.Each and everything I wanted to do,I'll be considering many things.It was good though to do that,but I realized that it affected my social life.
At that moment I was thinking of being serious,'matured' etc.I need to do that because the penetration of tarbiyyah urged me to do so.Islam really needs a serious muslim for its revival.
That is why if some of you noticed,I wasn't a 'good smiler'.Even it's hard for me to mixed up with my juniors.I kept on thinking this and that and it made me hard to smile.
That attitude followed me here,in the campus life.The 1st two years here,I have problems in mixing with people,especially sisters.When it comes to deal with sisters,I'll try to avoid it.-What else can I say?After all I never talked to sisters for 5 years (secondary school).Even at one time,one particular sister asked my male's friend about me."NJ tu garang ke?Knapa dia tak penah senyum?"
And if i did talked to any sisters,my body keeps on shivering.If they asked question,I couldn't give clear answers.My bad..
I keep on thinking.."Sampai bila harus begini?"Insya Allah if there is nothing happened,I'll be working in the industry where I need to deal with lot of people.The professionals i.e. the Architect,Engineers,Contractors,Local Authority etc.And not all of them are male!
So,I decided to starts from the bottom.slowly..1st step,2nd steps,3rd steps and it continues till now.I try to be as much as possible involving in 'social life'..not only with the sisters,but also the brothers.
For sure,each and every of our actions will be effecting this and that.I realized that,now I couldn't talk about 'islamic' things anymore.I kindda feel guilty.Who am I to talk about tarbiyyah,da'wah,harakiyyah?No no no..I'll be durn stupid if I did."Cakap tak serupa bikin"..
My social life is now affecting my core business.The business/transaction with Allah The Almighty.But yet,I still have to do it!
Now it comes to the situation where you need to sacrifice something for the benefits of something else.(Euthanasia?No laa..)I mean,these two things need to be balanced.Yeah someone might say,"kau ni,antara AGAMA dengan social life pun kau nak pikir2?AGAMA tu penting!"- yes I did know that.(it's actually kindda harsh word for me if someone said I didn't concern about my deen.I didn't mean to compromised my religion neither to neglect it.)
Btw,I'm not saying that now I'm perfect enough with my 'public relation' but I can feel the improvement ever since I've make the 'changed'.
I need to return to the 'pangkal jalan'..Hehehe (budget dah tersesat jauh..huhu).But i'll still remain the way i am right now.I don't want pretending to be good.What the values I have,I'll be practicing and promote it.I don't want to make a change for someone else,for other reasons etc.(Because some of my friends they changed because they wanted to marry.They said that kena la berubah sebab nak kawin dah ni.Kena jadi matang and bla bla bla.-I have my own believe;If u changed not for the course of Allah,then it'll not be long.Even u didn't get any pahala.Innamal 'amalu bin niyyat...)
You know best yourself.Make wise consideration where it'll balance your life here and hereafter.Trying to be good like someone else by following his steps is not wise enough.Being good like someone else by having your own way and path is better as long as your path doesn't contradict/astray from the syari'ah.Because diferent people having different strengths and weaknesses.You determine it yourself and starts choosing your way which could maximize your strength.
Wherever you are,whatever you do,no matter how it is,nobody have the exception to spread the BEAUTY and UNDERSTANDING of ISLAM and purifying yourself.
WE HAVE TO DO IT!
*Good luck for those who will be sitting for the SPM and STPM especially my cousins.Three of them will be sitting for SPM.Go Danial go!!